Laura

Laura’s father phone the very same time I arrive home. It’s unusual but not out of the blue. I’m pretty sure what he’s going to tell me, and, as much as I hesitaste to pick it up, I also know that this call is going to be a major turning point in my life, so it’s not like I have any option but to answer.
He doesn’t give any time to say a thing before he talk. “Laura’s dead”.
“I figured that”. I’m not surprised, not really. She talked about her death regularly, so I had have a lot of glimpses to digest it pretty fine when the time’ll come.
We keep silent for a while, both trying to order our thoughts to share. “This is all your fault, you know that, don’t you?”
That’s a fair possibility. I was not the best boyfriend. I used to fire her up when she needed a cool down. Doesn’t matter how much do you love someone if you let them down when they need you. And I did that a lot to Laura. But –there’s always a but, right?– you can’t be blamed for someone else thoughts, can you? She wanted to die; talked about it a little too much. She had razorblades hidden in her room. Once in a while she swallowed too many pills; it doesn’t matter what she was trying to fix, she just did it.
Right for the first time we met, I know that this day will come. “I know that you’re upset right now, but I don’t think that’s necessary… I take all the blades and pills from…”
“No, you asshole”, he says not very friendly, which don’t surprise me at all. “She doesn’t kill herself. She loved you too much for that, God’s know why. You bought her that stupid second hand car. The brakes failed and she went right to another car. So her death is on you. And the other car’s passengers are in ICU, so that’s on you too”. I want to say something, anything, but I also know that I can’t and shouldn’t. “I hope you fulfill your promise to Laura and go after her soon”: He hangs up right after the last letter came off his mouth, but I’m already looking for one of Laura’s razorblades.

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Three things

  1. It looks that I’m able to write again. I’ve been writing at high pace lately, but I’m not sure if it’s going somewhere. For sure it’ isn’t going where I thought it’ll be going to.
  2. I still want to run away from everything I know. Worst of all is that I’m no able to do anything about, and I’m pretty sure that is something that’ll kill me.
  3. I get tattooed. In the ribs. Twice. The same day. On the right side, the Wheel of Time. On the left, this place. It means a lot.

1000 hours

I’ve been waiting for a a couple hours. Two fucking hours under the rain. It’s around midnight and there’s no one in the streets.
I’m sitting un a stupid bench un a goddamn park. The fountain switched off a long time ago. The happy couples who shared kisses and laughs left toward restaurants ir their houses.
I saw all from my spot. Waiting for she to come, I started to think that she’s not going to show up. The moon is almost full but there aren’t many lights around so, when she finally arrives, I can’t see her at first. Nevertheless, she walks right to where I am, without any kind of hesitation.
She looks gorgeous; I look like shit.
“You’re wet”, she says.
“I know”, I reply. “You’re late”.
“Yes, I am”. While she seems calm, I’m trembling.
“Are you going to sit down?”. I’m, at least, trying.
“I don’t love you anymore”.
“OK”. What else can I say?
“Bye”.
She turns and walk away. The rain is gone and has left some snow and the coldest night I can remember. I’m wearing a T-shirt. It’s June.

Three

Three days.

Three fucking days and there wasn’t a single fucking call. None. Cero.
Three days ago she told me she’ll call to let me know when I can pass by. But look at me now, sitting in the couch with the smartphone in my hand to don’t miss anything.
I could go around there until she notices me, trying to look casual. But she could think that I’m anxious, and that could make her… No. I have to wait. I’ve been waiting for so long… I can wait a few more hours.
But.
What if there aren’t hours? What if she makes me wait until tomorrow? Or, even worst, the day after!
No.
I’ve got everything ready to make it happen today. It must be today, I want it for today.

It’s getting dark outside, That’s a good thing, I think. Night use to be good with me. It always was and for sure it’ll be today too.
I can see my reflection in the turn off TV. The phone. She’s calling, finally.

In the moment I arrive, she smile ear to ear.
–We’re sorry for the delay, Sir, but that’s just routine. Here you got your gun. Do you want to buy any ammo?
–Just one bullet, please.

Depression not lies… Ever

So…

Depression hit me again. Really hard. And I’m thinking hurting myself. Again. And the only reason I’m not doing it yet is because there are people who’ll look after that. Or that’ll notice it.
I don’t care about anything again. I’m feeling terrible about everything, and I’m start hating my job, my family, my life, my etc.
I’ll love to be able to do things. Things I like, things I don’t really care about. The only things that look that I’m able to do in these days are the MUST done things, like my job (and even there I use to make shit) or dating (where I suck even more than I do in every other aspect of my life).

A I said around a few time ago, scape seems a great idea.

Three things

There are a new bunch of things:

  1. I’m feeling very depressed again lately. Neither the anxiety or the panic attacks have shown yet, but I don’t rule them out.
  2. I wrote again! Half chapter done for the “idonotknowhowtocallit novella”, so I finally finish the 10th; a few lines for another story about the Stranger; and a short poem, which I decided to stick together with another one I wrote long time ago.
  3. A few days ago I turned 30 so now I can say it out loud. The Cure are my favorite band. And ‘Pornography’ and ‘Disintegration’ are masterpieces.

Psycho

Sitting in a bench I stare at the people passing by. My eyes focused in all the faces that crossed in front, waiting that some of them will be yours.
I don’t know where do you live. I don’t know what do you like to do or what places you use to go, either, so I always feel that my search is  completely useless and empty. Even so, I never give up searching, because maybe I’ll found you tomorrow.
Or maybe I did It yesterday and I didn’t knew it.